PAGE NINE -- No. 13

by Alan Korwin, Author
Gun Laws of America

I'm proposing a new page for newspapers ("Page Nine" regardless of the page it runs on), that covers stories afresh, not the way news rooms typically flavor things. It would help reduce the distrust so many readers feel. It could be the most read page in the paper, a light breath of fresh air.

Here's a casual sample. It might make you say, "We'll NEVER run that!" but the page will be built around ad revenues from clear thinking mainstream businesses.

Alan Korwin, Author
Gun Laws of America
"The Uninvited Ombudsman"


The Uninvited Ombudsman Report, No. 13
by Alan Korwin, August 30, 2006

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1. Pluto Scientifically Demoted
2. Census Bureau Profiling
3. Minutemen Editorialized Again
4. Edible Viruses Approved
5. McCain's Whereabouts Denied
6. Theft Renamed Funding
7. Giant Oyster Invasion
8. Racial Strengths Ignored
9. Uranium Cookie Jar




The lamestream media told you:
Scientists meeting in Prague have decided that Pluto is not a planet, causing aggravation in the textbook industry and disappointing fans of the American-discovered celestial body. The results of their vote circulated the globe instantaneously, and were prominently reported by nearly every news agency on the planet.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Science is not conducted by voting. Voting is a political process. The vote tallies were not reported.

Science is conducted by hypothesis subjected to testing and observation, an approach known as scientific method. Scientific method is taught in high schools.

The nationalities of the scientists voting for the losing candidate were not reported, and there was no call for a recount at press time. The L.A. Times reported only 10% of the 3,000 scientists voted, though the Houston Chronicle said the vote to dump Pluto was "overwhelming." Some reports said only 2,500 scientists attended. No margin of error was announced.

Detailed color images broadcast of "the planet formerly known as Pluto" were actually unlabeled computer animations, because good images of the distant body and its three moons don't exist. Deceptive use of images is widely accepted as unethical behavior.

According to the unnamed host of the David Letterman show, Pluto will be running as an independent in the next election.


The lamestream media told you:
The Census Bureau has released the first of what will now be annual reports, detailing huge demographic profiles of the American public. The Bureau had formerly released reports once every ten years.

According to spokespersons, local officials need such information so they can make important decisions on how to provide services and manage the affairs of the public.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
The Census exists solely because the Constitution requires a head count once every ten years, to apportion seats in Congress. In what may be the largest case of a self-generated government make-work project, the Bureau has decided to become the nation's annual demographer instead. Justifying the move by appealing to efficient management of the population doesn't excuse the wholesale expansion of the bureaucracy.


The lamestream media told you:
"The honeymoon is over for the Minutemen," according to the lead from Susan Carroll and Dennis Wagner, writing on page one for the 500,000 circulation Arizona Republic (8/11). The story details disagreements within the leadership, and raises financial questions that won't be answered until an audit is released in November.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Leading a news story with flagrant editorializing is the height of unethical behavior under most editorial guidelines. The reporters are still at large.

Carroll's previous stories show a consistent distaste for the work of the group that single-handedly brought the tremendous problem of illegal immigration to public attention. Few chances to belittle or demean the efforts of the Minuteman volunteers were missed, with reporting that consistently downplayed the effects of a million or more people illegally flooding into the country every year.

In a related case (8/14), an extensive front-page examination of the crisis in hospital emergency rooms (by reporter Jodie Snyder) didn't once mention the illegals who are the core problem. Not once. She is still at large too. According to doctors and nurses suffering under the overload, illegals clog the buildings, can't pay, are not insured, seek routine care, and are bankrupting the system. Repeated calls for comment went unanswered.


The lamestream media told you:
The Associated Press reports that bacteria-killing viruses can be safely sprayed on cold cuts and other meats to combat microbes that kill hundreds of people a year. The virus mix has just received the first FDA approval for use on humans as a food additive, according to Andrew Zajac of the Office of Food Additive Safety.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Despite government assurances, many people reportedly plan to wait a few years while public testing on humans is conducted at your local supermarket.

In other news, an unapproved variety of genetically engineered rice has accidentally slipped into the food chain, reports Rick Weiss in The Washington Post. Scientists have assured the public that even though it "is endowed with bacterial DNA to make it resistant to weed killer," and has not been fully approved, it is "probably safe."

Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns, after assuring the public that it's not a serious problem, said he doesn't know how the weed-killer-resistant rice got into the food supply, or how much is out there. The announcement may cost $1 billion in international sales, where many genetically engineered foods are banned, even if they are certified as just fine.


The lamestream media told you:
Senator John McCain, in hot water for bashing President Bush then quickly retracting his remarks, could not be reached for comment because he was traveling in Europe.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
The idea that a U.S Senator can't be reached because he's traveling in Europe insults the intelligence of news consumers, and we know it. Your grandmother can be reached while she's traveling in Europe, and a U.S. Senator can be reached anywhere, even the toilet, which is where "news" media credibility is heading with stories like this.


The lamestream media told you:
"When the federal government hands out billions of dollars to fund programs that assist the country's neediest residents, Phoenix gets the short end of the stick," according to Monica Dunsmoor, in a page-one Sunday lead story for Gannett's #2 paper, The Arizona Republic.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
When the federal government forces billions of dollars from the public through taxation, then gives it to other people, it violates every principle of the Constitution and the American Way, yet none of the perpetrators are arrested, and instead of sounding an alarm, mainstream reporters call for more "funding."

Charity is a private affair. The Constitution does not contemplate giving the treasury to any selected segment of the population.

Taking taxes from the public, so bureaucrats and reporters can promote "charity" is criminal misuse of the public treasury.

Reporters act as if welfare helps, but taking from those who earn money and giving it to those who do not will never end poverty. Wealth redistribution is a proven failure -- the socialist opposite of the American Dream that created the prosperity in the first place. It creates hopeless dependency. When the money runs out, Dunsmoorian economics says take more, forever.

The public, inundated with Dunsmoorian sobbing, accept their welfare slavery with the same ignorance guiding reporters.

Instead, try reduce taxes by the amount "stolen for charity." That economic impact would alleviate more poverty than any theft-and-redistribution program misguided do-gooders can invent.

We should indict a few of the scoundrels to chill other public thieves, and editors promoting socialism should rethink their values and hiring guidelines.

[Note: This commentary ran in the 500K circ Az Rep on 8/30/06.]


The lamestream media told you:
Giant exotic oysters have been found in San Francisco bay, according to a story with no byline from the Associated Press. This has caused grave concerns among environmentalists who fear the invasive species could have adverse effects on native oyster species and upset the natural ecological balance in the bay. Up to nine inches long, divers have removed 256 of the exotic mollusks so far. It's unclear how they got there, or how many are left.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Migration and survival of the fittest are basic features of the theory of evolution, but as soon as a hardy species of anything shows up at someone's doorstep, envirophiles get overcooked about "invasive species." Hey, you either accept nature with all its warts, or need to admit that this branch of environmentalism is a corrupt system of affirmative action for favored organisms, driven by junk science and an illogical misguided sympathy for one animal over another animal.


The lamestream media told you:
Mexican-Americans are at an increased risk of a second stroke, according to a study of thousands of stroke patients, reports the "Annals of Neurology." Lead researcher Lynda Lisabeth of the U. of Michigan School of Public Health suggests aggressive preventative treatment for the susceptible group, to help save lives.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Despite constant, repeatable and undeniable evidence of important differences between the races, discussion of the differences is taboo and banned from lamestream news reports, with the sole exception of medical risks. The numbers of people harmed by the policy is unknown.

Blacks are susceptible to sickle-cell anemia, whites have higher incidence of melanoma, Alzheimer's and heart disease, and some Native American tribes suffer high rates of diabetes. A long list of race-dependent maladies is widely known throughout the medical community, and frequently reported in the "news."

Regardless, other glaringly obvious racial differences are ignored or quickly denounced as racism, preventing any meaningful discussion of the subject in public policy debates.

Experts blame the ignorance-perpetuating effects of both political correctness and multiculturalism for any meaningful examination of diverse advantages races have in strength, speed, endurance, size, resistance to maladies, and most of all, intelligence.

The white ruling class in America has repressed blacks so badly that most people with even a trace of black blood feel compelled to identify themselves strictly as black, and overlook any advantages of mixed heritage they may possess. The word "mulatto," commonly used for decades to refer to a person of mixed heritage, and which might help explore advantages of diversity in the population, has fallen out of favor and has been all but banished from "news" reports nationwide.

Absolute or monolithic classifications such as "black" or "white," which are patently inaccurate but not considered offensive, are now used exclusively instead. The effect this has on the quality or safety of medical care is unknown.

The online Urban Dictionary defines mulatto as "half black, half white," and gives actress Halle Berry as an example. The Merriam Webster's defines the word as, 1 : the first-generation offspring of a black person and a white person, and 2 : a person of mixed white and black ancestry. Bringing any of this up in public tends to lead to intolerance and charges of racism or worse.


The lamestream media told you:
Iranian leader Ahmadinejad, who advocates wiping Israel off the map, has challenged President Bush to a televised debate. He is also not comfortable yet with proposals to stop his nuclear energy program, even under the threat of U.N. sanctions.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Regarding the ongoing threat of sanctions against Iran, one high ranking unidentifiable source asks, "Why implement sanctions and cause grief and suffering, when you can just threaten sanctions and harm no one?"

Meanwhile, the simple Iranian plan to stall all international forces aligned against it, while filling a specially made cookie jar with fissionable uranium for atom bombs, is working.




Corrections and Clarifications:

1. A number of Page Nine readers objected to singling out the supporters of a $1 million lottery for coercing voters to the polls. Fortunately, the Uninvited Ombudsman had significant lamestream support on that one: "A tawdry idea that cheapens one of the most important things a citizen can do." (USA Today); "We can only hope voters in Arizona won't fall for such a gimmick." (Denver Post); "This is a direct assault on the notion that good citizenship should entail at least a small amount of self-motivation." (Washington Times); and from syndicated columnist Jeff Jacoby, "Those who don't care shouldn't vote."

2. Although most reports didn't mention the kind of liquid explosives terrorists intended to use, so terrorists planning to blow up planes couldn't get the information, one expert believes it was TATP, a mixture of peroxide and acetone. "Very easy to make if you know what you're doing, and pretty much undetectable." Another reader notes that the Washington Post says you need "super" peroxide, like the kind in drugstores for bleaching hair, and acetone, about $8 a gallon at Home Depot. Becomes unstable as soon as mixed, an instant explosive. Don't tell anyone.

3. The Border Patrol estimates it captures one illegal alien for each one that slips through (about 2,500 per day). On their last watch, 75 Minutemen observed 22 presumed illegals hiking in through the desert, of which only two were caught.

4. Stories about deliberate news fraud abound, in addition to the sort of distortion and spin exposed in Page Nine. Try this if you have doubts:

5. Page Nine suggested no one won in south Lebanon. Barrett Tillman disagrees: "Alan, just my two centavos. I think that Hezbollah won a clear victory. The Hezzies are still there, still armed, and (omigod!) the UN is totally ineffective. I guess Dubya's handlers felt obliged to say that Israel won, but its politicians merely pulled the plug and declared victory. At any rate, the Muslims took on the IDF and at worst fought the contest to a draw. That's a win in the Muslim playbook. They're like the Terminator. They'll be back. With bigger toys next time."



Plain Ole Observation:
One of the big shocks early in my writing career was learning that newspaper editors would change my work to make it sound more credible. They did this by adding phrases like, "according to industry experts" at strategic spots. One story on the book business added those phrases four times -- to observations that were strictly my own -- and changed nothing else. I started noticing those bogus "believability suppositories" (BS) liberally sprinkled all over the news, and you should keep an eye out for BS too:

according to industry experts
industry leaders acknowledge
it's widely believed that
experts generally agree that
according to official sources
it will soon be common knowledge that
those in the industry say
many leaders agree that
it's common knowledge that
you may not believe this but
people generally believe that
it's been said that
a new idea going around suggests that
people are saying
people are beginning to say
pundits claim
insiders say
one observer has said
business gurus are telling us that
according to The New York Times
he said that she said that they said






See the official Journalist's Code of Ethics here:
Compare it to the news you see every day.


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What would happen if the Founding Fathers returned today? Read "Tempus Fugit" --A stunning achievement. Book review here:



Thanks for reading!
Alan Korwin
The Uninvited Ombudsman


Page Nine Is Now A Blog!
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Comments help keep me going. Alan.

Good stuff to think about, keep up the good works on Page Nine. -- George, Mason Electric Defense Contractor, California


News media identify sources of their information. Where are your sources? Why should we depend on your guesses and opinions? You have much less credibility to judge mainstream media coverage. Media watchdog? I don't think so. Not even media watchpup.--tom [Note: It's a good point, I'll get more assiduous in naming names.]


I like this PAGE 9, Alan.  Keep up the good work! Thanks for what you do! --Roger Clark


My gripe is how the media set the news to music and make it like, well, Showtime entertainment. Do we need music in the background?


Alan: In reading over your Page Nine since you started it, it appears as though you may have a Winner going for you. Reading the feed back from readers, which is very interesting, I feel that you are on the Right Track and every next issue should and will be better than the previous one.  The American Public is in need of news which is upfront, understandable, and tells the Truth. Keep it going.  Jim Paddock


As a moderate democrat in southern Indiana, I truly enjoy your news and views.  Keep up the good work and, may I have one of your full-color catalogs? Thanks, John Freeman
[Note: I need a street address to mail the catalog, right? That goes for everyone.]


I enjoy your information. Do you have any books about the Uzi pistol? [Note: No, but my band The Cartridge Family has a song, "Wake Up Little Uzi"]. More people in the U.S. need to realize that we are in a war and it will be a long haul. As a people we are so dumb. It looks like we will be sending lots of aid money to Lebanon, and most of it will go to hezabola. You are doing an outstanding job, thanks. Respectfully, Curtis j. Boughan


Alan, another instant classic! "The War on *Some* Drugs" -- I love it!  The change to "clear-thinking" instead of "right-thinking" is very fitting. "The rational(e) for keeping or donating containers of suspected explosives has not been explained." -- how spot on can you be?! I'm going to fwd this to the editors of Georgia Outdoor News -- I have a feeling they may want to get this message out to 60,000 or so monthly subscribers.  And there's a long list of Bcc:s to this reply -- Keep it up!!!
--Jim Martell


I just finished Page Nine - No. 12 Alan, and I must say -- another excellent piece.  I love it when you go item by item and counter the lamestream media with the truth! Excellent work -- please keep it up.
Cordially, Don Barletta 


Marvelous stuff, sir, You write delightfully. Bless you. John.


Your journalism studies do show in the sober, insightful professionalism of your work.
David Tell


Great as usual.



Now carrying or planning to carry Page Nine!

Sonoran News Newspaper

Mens News Daily

The Payson Patriot Newspaper

Shotgun Sports

The Ryter Report

Wilson County News, Floresville, TX

The Libertarian Enterprise

The SanTan Sun (Phoenix Metro)

Ed Phillips' Arizona Almanac (Radio)

NYS Rifle & Pistol Association Newsletter "The Bullet"

Western Missouri Shooters Alliance

Gun List
in Charlie Cutshaw's monthly column

Buckeye Firearms Association

Virginia Liberty


Alan Korwin
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