PAGE NINE -- No. 14

by Alan Korwin, Author
Gun Laws of America

I'm proposing a new page for newspapers ("Page Nine" regardless of the page it runs on), that covers stories afresh, not the way news rooms typically flavor things. It would help reduce the distrust so many readers feel. It could be the most read page in the paper, a light breath of fresh air.

Here's a casual sample. It might make you say, "We'll NEVER run that!" but the page will be built around ad revenues from clear thinking mainstream businesses.

Alan Korwin, Author
Gun Laws of America
"The Uninvited Ombudsman"


The Uninvited Ombudsman Report, No. 14
by Alan Korwin, Sep. 15, 2006

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1. Phony Fierce Resistance
2. Self Defense Protection
3. Malnutrition Precedes Obesity
4. Good Cheap Schooling
5. Murderers Filling Morgues
6. Is God Allah
7. Gore's Sexy Truth
8. Smashing The Moon
9. Obrador Won't Quit
10. Hurricane Size Disappointing
11. Polygamy Has Fans



The lamestream media told you:
"NATO and Afghan forces encountered fierce resistance from Taliban rebels Sunday in a new offensive in southern Afghanistan, where four Canadian soldiers were killed... NATO spokesman Mark Laity said that as many as 200 Taliban fighters were killed, with 80 others captured," according to an unbylined story from The New York Times. The body counts could not be confirmed.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Even a green recruit knows that if you can kill 200 enemy combatants, and capture 80 more, at a cost of only four of your own soldiers, you are not meeting "fierce resistance." The Times should be ashamed of and repent for its editorial and misleading characterization by its unidentified writer.


The lamestream media told you:
Two police officers in Scottsdale, in an incident typical of many occurring regularly around the nation, shot and killed a suspect who had pointed a gun and threatened to murder them. "Both are on administrative leave, a routine move in shooting cases," according to the reporters Scarborough and Indrelunas, writing for The Arizona Republic.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Although it is standard policy to prevent officers involved in shootings from speaking with anyone for at least 48 hours, and removing them from any contact with the press or others, the same is never true for innocent civilians involved in life-saving self defense incidents. Reasons for the unequal treatment are sketchy.

Standard procedure against citizens is to apply pressure, obtain damaging statements, implicate the potentially heroic actors in illegal acts, collect incriminating evidence, and otherwise compromise every chance they will be found innocent and set free. Despite this, the right to defend yourself is implied in the bundle of rights covered by the Second Amendment of the Bill of Rights.

Police officers will issue a statement, in writing, days or even weeks later, in consultation with their department's legal team (not just "an" attorney), and are then again sequestered from additional remarks or questioning.

In stark contrast, the trial for a citizen involved in self defense against a criminal attacker often begins in the "news" media with conjecture, unfounded statements from authorities, and general contempt for anyone who would use a firearm to save their lives from an unprovoked felony attack.

The reason for treating officials with concern for their innocence, which is not also provided to innocent citizens, is not known.

Defense attorneys uniformly advise against speaking with the "news" media after a shooting incident. You are least capable of coherent statements and cogent word choices right after surviving a lethal confrontation, or even the stress of a firearms accident. In at least one case, Vice President Dick Cheney's hunting accident in February, reporters demanded instant details, with no concern for either victim's rights or legal protections. Cheney, a Republican, implied that the media was uncompassionate, showing a left-wing anti-gun-rights bias and being unfair. The media denied the charges.

Bloomfield Press offers a valuable book, You And The Police, which outlines generally unknown procedures citizens can use to protect themselves in encounters with police, from traffic stops to investigations after life-threatening incidents.


The lamestream media told you:
Toddlers who are overweight have a significantly higher chance of being obese at age 12, the Associated Press reports. The old notion that childhood chubbiness burns off with age is no longer true. Americans in general are suffering from obesity, with the southern states the fattest part of the nation, and certain Native American tribal groups close behind.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
It wasn't very long ago that malnutrition was the focal point of food news, with massive government programs to feed the poor and disadvantaged masses appearing almost daily. Endless public funds were poured into grocery programs to prevent starvation in the south, Appalachia, inner cities, classrooms, and impoverished rural areas. The reason for the sudden shift, though dramatic, is unknown, but expected to continue.


The lamestream media told you:
With public schools back in session, local papers nationwide are reporting how their school districts are ranked low for funding. The typical take is: "Our town spends less per pupil than 43 other states, and needs to be fixed -- for the children."

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Despite constant lamestream harping, performance isn't measured by spending. In fact, just the opposite is often true. Would you buy an airplane ticket because one airline is the most expensive? Of course not. You would you make the logical and economically sound decision that the airline with the best fare is more efficient, offers you the greatest cost-benefit ratio, and buy from them.

Experts believe that incompetent, left-leaning reporters press for higher spending in schools without concern for performance, or an understanding of basic economics.

When the fully subsidized cost of poorly performing government-run schools is compared to high results private schools, the private pupils cost less per head, and get better results. "News" reports fail to attack private schools for costing less.

Typical of socialist-style mismanagement, tax-and-spend politicians, and compliant economically disabled reporters, if you're not being squeezed for taxes to fund the most expensive operation in the nation, you're heartless, uncompassionate, derelict in your duties and pawning off inferior service on poor helpless kids.

Teachers, insulated from market forces and largely addicted to copious supplies of "free" money regardless of their performance, support reporters reports. All those people need their heads placed on pikes.


The lamestream media told you:
"Baghdad's morgue almost tripled its count for violent deaths in Iraq's capital during August from 550 to 1,536, authorities said Thursday, appearing to erase most of what U.S. generals and Iraqi leaders had touted as evidence of progress in a major security operation to restore order in the capital," according to Ellen Knickmeyer, writing for the Washington Post on 9/8/06.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Fundamentalist Muslim jihadis working closely with radical Islamic militants gruesomely murdered 1,536 innocent civilians and each other this month, a three-fold increase, despite the best efforts of Iraqi officials and U.S.-lead international forces to quell the violence and control the homicidal fanatics running loose in the former dictatorship.

When Knickmeyer says this erased evidence of progress her editorial conclusion is pronounced and unethical, according to leading experts. Her editors failed to remove the unwarranted conjecture, and she has not been placed on suspension.

As coalition forces entered the country in 2003, radicals released virtually every hard-core prisoner in captivity, disrupting efforts to establish stability. Most of these psychopaths, felons and political prisoners are still at large.

In other news, there was no news again on the whereabouts or activities of the 160,000 U.S. troops stationed and working daily in Iraq.


The lamestream media told you:
Al-Jazeera TV aired previously unseen footage of Osama bin Laden, apparently with the Sep. 11 hijackers, smiling and saying, according to the translation provided by Bassem Mroue of the Associated Press (on 9/8/06), "I ask you to pray for them and to ask God to make them successful..."

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Although bin Laden's words appear to be translated into English, he would never have said "God," the Supreme Being recognized by what he and the Koran call, "the people of the book." Those are Christians and Jews, or infidels, which the Koran advocates converting or exterminating.

He would have said "Allah," the Muslim word for a Supreme Being. This word was not translated, according to an expert who wishes not to be named, because that might cause unneeded religious friction, offend sensitive Muslims, or possibly confuse non-Muslim readers of western "news" media. It might also accurately portray what's really happening, which the lamestream gives the appearance of wanting to hide.


The lamestream media told you:
Al Gore's newest book, An Inconvenient Truth, finally makes it clear with text and pictures, that the Earth is warming, environmental devastation is rapidly advancing, and we're all doomed if we don't radically change everything we're doing.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Al Gore's newest book misses and inconvenient truth, steadfastly omitted from lamestream news reports on environmental "destruction."

It's not that we're cutting down so many trees, it's that so many people need the trees cut down, for space, and for wood.

It's not that we're burning so much fuel to generate electricity, it's that so many people need electricity so they can see, and for heating and pumping water.

In other words, as the Uninvited Ombudsman has previously noted, the root problem is sex. As long as people keep having sex and popping out babies, the need for space, wood, fuel, power and soy burgers will continue increasing.

No one has seriously proposed any solution to the sex problem, though some cities have moved to ban lap dances which, paradoxically, do alleviate the baby problem a little.


The lamestream media told you:
"Europe's first spacecraft to the moon smashed into a volcanic plain Saturday, signaling in a bright flash the end of a successful mission to test a new propulsion system and navigation techniques for flights to other planets," reports David McHugh for the Associated Press.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Despite wanton destruction of natural features on the moon's surface, and the widespread deposit of unsightly and potentially dangerous high-tech debris across a large area of pristine wilderness, no environmental or ecological groups have lodged complaints against the European perpetrators of the deliberate crash.

Scientists scoffed at the idea that they might not be free to do whatever they please on the surfaces of distant worlds. No laws were apparently violated on the remote terrain, and no call for protective statutes have been made. No species were known to have died in the crash, which was luridly watched from Earth.


The lamestream media told you:
"Mexico's leftist presidential candidate, who is contesting his rival's election victory, told followers Sunday that he plans to draft a new Constitution," says Theresa Braine of the AP. "Obrador has said he will never recognize a victory by Calderon, and will declare himself the alternative president," claiming fraud and dirty tricks robbed him of the presidency.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
I told you so.

The real problem now is how far behind Mexico's innovative election approach the U.S. might be. The losing party in our last two elections is closely aligned with Obrador's sentiments, but has not staged the crippling takeover of the largest city in the nation, which Obrador had the gore to instigate.


The lamestream media told you:
"Ernesto Forecast: What Went Wrong? Underachieving storm falls short of expectations."

With those headlines, Cox News Service writers Robert P. King and Tony Doris lament on 8/31 that, despite devastating storms accurately predicted for the past two years, "Tropical Storm Ernesto had seemingly gone poof."

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Many victims of Hurricane Katrina, along with opponents of the current administration, openly blame president Bush for the storm and its damage. Bush did previously refuse to sign the Kyoto climate agreements.

If "news" reports are any measure, there are people out there rooting for more storms, at the expense of victims of these natural events, to continue their litany of blame and vitriolic hatred. They are reportedly disappointed when hoped for destruction doesn't materialize.

Contrary to some popularly held beliefs, the President and Congress do not regulate natural disasters, and the Kyoto accords did not enact a ban on Caribbean hurricanes.

In partial defense of the disaster wishers however, news commentator George Carlin admits that when destruction does strike, he hopes it will keep getting worse and worse, so the fun doesn't stop. At the end of that routine, the audience is typically laughing so hard they need oxygen, mixed with nitrogen and trace gases, known as air.


The lamestream media told you:
Warren Jeffs, the fugitive leader of a religious sect that advocates and practices polygamy, was found and arrested in Nevada due to a hard-to-read license plate cover. He had $50,000 in cash and a number of wigs with him, in a new Cadillac Escalade, when taken into custody.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Jeffs is charged with forcibly arranging marriages between underage girls and grown men, acts that are hard to reconcile by any reckoning.

Polygamy however, which may have some religious basis for denial (or acceptance), is difficult to logically outlaw in a free society, especially one in which government is specifically banned from making laws respecting an establishment of religion, such as the United States.

If a woman wants several husbands and they willingly agree to her terms, no one has the moral or valid legal status to deny them their free choice, in the privacy of their own home, one anonymous expert says. The Constitution is silent on the subject, except for saying all rights not addressed belong to the states and the people (9th and 10th Amendments).

Marriage has become a hot political issue, because tax money is handed out to people based on their marital status. The correct term however is "holy matrimony," reflecting the purely religious roots of this popular form of entertainment.

Unmentioned in "news" reports, the contentious one-man one-woman marriage proposals up for vote in many states and Congress, if rejected, would open the doors not only to so-called gay marriage, but to polygamy and more. If marriage is no longer limited to the traditional societal benefit of biologically raising families, what legal construct can limit a person's freedom to "marry" any creature (including men), or creatures in any combination.

Most married people quickly learn there is nothing gay about marriage. Some activists now say we should let gays marry, so they can suffer too. The Uninvited Ombudsman points out that he didn't know what true happiness was until he was married. And then it was too late.




See the official Journalist's Code of Ethics here:
Compare it to the news you see every day.


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What would happen if the Founding Fathers returned today? Read "Tempus Fugit" --A stunning achievement. Book review here:



Thanks for reading!
Alan Korwin
The Uninvited Ombudsman


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Alan Korwin
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Comments help keep me going. Alan.


"Best Page Nine yet.
--Angel Shamaya


Alan, I liked your comment: "believability suppositories" (BS). Reg


Alan, #13 is the tops.  You just get "betterer 'n' betterer."  I missed a couple of those curve balls thrown by the "AZ Republic" so thank you for enlightening me.  Duly passed on to a horde of good people. --Jack Duncan


Since I see that you are taking comments from readers, I will throw my two cents in. The above sentence from #13 is a really unfortunate use of words. Although you may mean it, labeling people who take from the rich and give to the poor as do-gooders gives them moral superiority. You acknowledge they are doing good. You will never win the argument that it (good) shouldn't be done.
Sincerely yours, Jack Crawford, Maryland

A "good" point Jack. The term is used sarcastically, which may be easy to overlook. How about "so-called do gooders"? --Alan.


Responding to remarks about "invasive species" actually being more fit, regardless of how they arrive (by the hand of man or otherwise), Jim Bartlett says:

Tell that to the trout and smallmouth populations that are being decimated in the Potomac river cause someone thought they were being nice by releasing a species of ornamental Chinese fish called a Northern Snakehead into the river. It's now being found all the way up into Maryland. It's killing off pretty much anything that gets in it's way, to include crab hatchlings. Goodbye crab fishermen round 2. What the algae blooms didn't do, the exotic fish industry will finish. Oh well, it was a nice fishery for a couple hundred years anyway. Not everyone who cares about the environment is a socialist operative...IE: Ducks Unlimited.


Page Nine is one of my favorites.  I read the Patriot, but they tend to get off point with religious fervor.  I do not bother with the media in general since it is as we know just a rotten stinking liberal morass.  I got a kick out of the little girlyboy comment from "Tom" who claimed you had no right to criticize the media.  Someone must.  I appreciate your voicing the truth. --Thomas R. Cook III, DMD, MD


Regarding acetone being undetectable, SIHarmon notes: Wow.... I am surprised. I could ALWAYS tell when acetone was used in the lab... or while taking off nail polish... it has a strong and definite odor. Also, since you have to mix them, and they are instantly unstable, that makes it a little difficult to properly place them for maximum effect. I can guarantee you that anyone opening a liter of acetone on an airplane is going to get complaints from everyone sitting around them.


Peter Kunka says: Alan... Marvelous, Juicy, Schtick...  as usual…  Thx.


W.F. "Bill" Lawry writes:  Alan - Thank you for taking the time and effort to put this column together.

I'm somewhat trained as a scientist (BS Physics) and somewhat trained in philosophy (Ayn Rand / Nathaniel Branden Institute 1964 - 1969) and I am amazed at how much uncritical thinking I am 'guilty' of.

Your piece about Pluto was an eye-opener for me.  I read the reports and had access to all the same information you did but I stepped over the absolute nature of science and let the news of Plutos demotion slide right on by.  Boy, have I gotten sloppy!

Thanks for maintaining an objective view on what's happening and for triggering my 'tune up'.


Alan:  I found out about your eletter when Jack Duncan began forwarding to The Platoon, (his mailing list for items of this nature). I finally decided it was time to subscribe myself. Thanks, Ray.


Hang in there with Page Nine, it's excellent.
Mac Cox


Tell the census -- profiling is illegal.


Regular reader "James J. Lippard" observes about Pluto that:

This is just a silly definitional dispute which has no actual scientific consequences.

... and about the census: They've been doing annual surveys for a while now, and they are ridiculously intrusive, asking how many bathroom fixtures you have and what time you leave for work.


Author and commentator Craig Cantoni observes: Given the increasing number of opinions masquerading as news on the news pages, maybe we should start calling them viewspapers instead of newspapers.,


Very good information.  Been so busy with recording I haven't had a chance to read your articles.  I'm trying to catch up with them now.  Larry Hubbard


While I'm on the subject of Alan Korwin I want to make everyone aware of his new column that comes out about every two weeks. It's called Page Nine and is a great source of information much of which is 'tongue-in-cheek'. It is an indictment of the mind control techniques being used by the 'Eminent Media' in this country.  --John Burtt, The Fifty Caliber Institute


Your comments on the Lamestream media are short, precise and compelling. Accuracy in Media (AIM) used to do this but eventually got caught up in their own prolix. Keep up your machine gun delivery! Best, PJ O'Malley


Re: Dunsmoor redistributing wealth:
Alan:  Very well stated and right on the head, glad someone has the Heuvos to realize and speak this out. You are correct in that the Constitution does not name whom shall steal and redistribute those riches. Great stuff and thanks.  --Wayne


Right on Alan. I have more respect for a mugger than a welfare recipient. At least the mugger has to get out of bed and assume some personal risk to get the fruits of another's labors. --David Rothschild




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